Thursday, 6 July 2017

I am Nikita.

I am Nikita.
I am strong, beautiful and happy... that's how it usually goes right... but this isn't how mine goes.

I am Nikita, I suffer from severe anxiety and self esteem issues. I may appear confident and fine at times but most of the times I am uncomfortable and very shy on the inside.
My anxiety has developed from the self esteem issues and my self esteem issues are from myself being really self conscious of my body.
Yes, I can do something about it but it's not as easy as said done... but wait, it is easy isn't it?
There is so many people telling you different things and there is so many quotes or sayings of this is easy, if you put your mind to it, if you think positive etc etc.
Each and every single person deals with things differently, each and every single person will cope in a different way, each and every single person will experience things differently... we are not identically the same when it comes to our personality and traits.

What does my anxiety do to me?
My anxiety will make me doubt myself, my anxiety will make me flustered, my anxiety will make me feel uncomfortable, my anxiety will make me quiet, my anxiety will make me purposely miss things or be late.
Those who suffer from anxiety will experience anxiety in different ways and for different things. In mine its due to my body image issues.
Ever since I was in primary school I have been a 'bigger' child. Both primary school and high school will eat you alive, it's the worst place to stir up your self confidence. Nothing can be done except for try to educate the children as young as possible to either look after their health or to be kind to everyone of any shape, age, gender, religion etc.
I was the target of many comments made about my body shape and those lists that would go around in high school when the boys would number in order of which girls they would like from first to last would have me close to the bottom. It plays at you something shocking.
I think to myself now why has it been years since then and you haven't changed? but I have changed so everyone keeps telling me. I get told regularly how amazing I'm looking and how well I have done but I don't see it.. I look at myself in the mirror and look at myself in disgust most of the time.
If you were a fly on the wall you would see me pulling at my fat and even at times when I'm really feeling really down on myself you would even see me punching or hitting at my stomach.

For about 10 years now I have been trying to control my weight and be a better me externally. Prior to having Niah I got serious for awhile and focused on myself and feeling better. During pregnancy I stacked a whooping 30kgs+ on, I didn't know better and stopped exercising and took advantage of 'eating for two' and then it took me another 6 months to get back into the swing of things. Having a child certainly does make things a little more challenging as you need to make sure you have a good routine and are prepared, you will need to be more accountable. It has taken me 3 years to get to here and where I am now... I'm down 50kgs and at the lightest weight I've ever been. I don't ever recall being in the 80's even when I was a teenager. The way I feel body wise isn't like where I am at weight wise. I still feel huge and down on myself. I know that I am the only one who can change this.

I am the one responsible for what happens to myself. I am the holder of what happens with my body. I am an emotional eater and that really sucks. If I'm feeling sad I want to just stuff my face with food. I am also really bad with organisation so I will be out somewhere and either not eat or will have to visit a takeaway place and most of the time I'm too lazy to go in somewhere so I'll opt for drive thru.

I look at the photo above of myself and I just seen pain, the huge amount of pain I have been enduring and putting upon myself more recently in the last year. I've had a really tough year and I'm surprised with how I have managed to get up some days and to still be working full time. I take on a lot and I do a lot but that's just how I role, I need to be kept busy as my mind with myself on free time is not a healthy area. I am not suicidal at all as my daughter means the world to me and I wouldn't ever leave her but it leaves me in an unhealthy area where I over analysis and over think.

This isn't a write up for sympathy, this isn't a write up to be gentle with me... this is a realist piece that I'm sure I'm not the only one in a boat like this.
Life is cruel and unkind but I'm fighting, I won't give in nor give up. I will get better and want to get better and I'm hoping that the fire within me grows enough to give me the strength I need to retrain and refocus my mind.

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