Tuesday, 5 September 2017

I've accepted that you just weren't for me...


'Even those we love the most can be a poison to our souls' Atticus

I was patient... I was waiting for a change. A change that never came. 
Sometimes you have to admit defeat and know that not all the time will you agree on views, values and importance. Not all the time will you prioritize the same things in the same order. Not all the time will you change for the better of the bigger picture or the end goal. 

For 18 months of my life I experienced something I would have never thought would happen to me. I never thought I would become as weak of a person to stay for so long having done what happened to me over and over again. 
For 18 months of my life I was in this black hole of a vicious repeating cycle of disrespect. 
Sometimes if you allow someone to do something over and over again to you they then think that, that is the level of respect that you deserve. They think that, that is how you are meant to be treated. I did this to myself and allowed my heart, my life, my family and my head to go through this for too long that it became the normal. 

I was cheated on not once but multiple times. I was manipulated constantly by mind games. I was emotionally and mentally abused. 

I always gave strong advice to those around me that if cheating was happening then leave their ass, they aren't deserving of you and you shouldn't have to put up with it but little did I know how it actually feels to be in the situation. 
You love the person so much, you expected better from them, you're confused and shocked that it's happened to you, you're wondering what went wrong and why you, you question yourself as a person... So many whys and how's go through your head and sometimes you're just too emotionally attached to the person that it's so hard to let go because you still have glimmer of hope. 
Hope that they'll change for themselves, change for the better of your relationship, change for you, change for your family but then they say you shouldn't have to change and should be accepted as you are. 
Well, that saying is a crock of shit and I think it's a complete incorrect saying to me. 
I changed, I changed for the better of my relationship, the better of my family. Change for the better shouldn't be looked at as they wanted me to change or they don't like the way I am. Change can be good, change can be necessary and needed. 

Sometimes I would put it into perspective and say how would you like it if your daughter was treated the way you have done me? 
A strategic answer would be put in place to self benefit and flip the real answer knowing you had done wrong so you would make it ok in your answer. 
I hope to God that my daughter never has to go through or ever feel what I went through. 

Their is stages of emotions you go through when cheating and self worth is a huge one that gets all messed up. To this day I'm still doubting my self worth, not as bad as I once did but you still linger in that area. 
You question yourself; what's wrong with me? was I not pretty enough? did my body changes dissatisfy you?.... 
You get played with so emotionally and mentally that crying becomes something so normal several times a day because you're so broken and question life constantly. 

Eventually you come to a stage of realizing your worth, realizing it's not you who fucked up, realizing that the problem was never you - it was always them. 
They are not content with life, not content with themselves and will always want more. 
One day you'll realise, you'll realise the grass isn't greener on the other side and when you do, I won't be their anymore. Your safety cushion who was always their before stupidly waiting and hoping for you to change, for you to man up, for you to realise what you were giving up will no longer be there. 

You would think that after 5 years I would have deserved more than that, better treatment then that. Actually make that 4 years where it was first fine until then on you thought I was just nothing and was able to be played with like that after multiple other girls. 
I was made out to be 'the crazy ex girlfriend' when really I was 'the actual upset girlfriend' 'the real hurt mother of your child'. You never let me get away from it all. You would be right there in my face doing it. 
How could I for so long allow myself to think that, that behaviour was ok and to allow you to do that to me over and over


What still confuses me and angers me inside is why people cheat? 
Why do people cheat but have a partner? Why not leave? You don't want them but don't want anyone else to have them? You can't put people on reserve whilst you muck around. Either you're in it 110% or you're just not at all. 
To love someone means you won't deliberately hurt them, you wouldn't put yourself in a position to lose them. That time and energy pursuing girls should be put into making your relationship work. If you've done all you can do and it still makes you unhappy then leave. Simple as that! 

I can only hope that if any other person is to do what you did that they just leave

My fight is over. I can no longer fight and make you want what I want and make you care. I no longer will tell you what to do, you do what you think is right. I can't make you be someone you don't want to be. 
Seeing you in person makes my heart hurt so much knowing that we're not a family because of the choices you made. 

I'm not saying I was an angel the whole time. I've had my moments of weaknesses where I lashed out just as much with insulting words, said and done things I shouldn't have and for that I'm sorry, but I've already said that. I've apologized sincerely over time and never did I receive an apology back on your own accord or without me having to prompt you by asking if you felt bad or felt anything when doing it. 
Of course there is two sides to every story but this is just a glimpse of mine to how I felt and saw it but only me and him will know the full story and what actually went on. 

I'm left with the greatest gift of them all and that's my baby girl that I wouldn't change for the world, thank you for taking part in that with me. 
There are good qualities to you deep down and you are a good person (when you want to be) it's just a shame that you couldn't want to be better and be that person for me, for us and for our family. We shared some good times and made some memories that will last our lifetime but... I've accepted that you just weren't for me. 




6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you shared this with the world N. It must feel so good getting it all off your chest. You are an amazing woman. Sometimes we do things that sacrifice a piece of ourseleves to fight for things that are never going to work. You and Niah are such a beautiful family. <3

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    1. Thank you so much T for all your support that you have given me throughout my tough times and always bringing me back into a reality check even though I was stubborn.
      It feels good to be able to just release and put it into words. <3

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  2. LOOOOVVVEEEE THISSSSS!!!!!! Such an amazing person, never anyone let you think different! (as hard as it is) XXxxx

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    1. Thank you Emma, I appreciate your kind words. xx

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  3. Oh my N! I am so sorry this has been going on. Love to you and your baby. There are bigger and better things for you both on the horizon. Keep walking ahead with your head held high. This will become just another memory in the long run. Much love. Xxx

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    1. You're right Jodi, it will be just another memory in the long run. Some tough times are still ahead but with each day I am moving forward. Thank you for the support xx

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